It's no secret to any of us parents that kids are all so very different from one to the other. And personality characteristics vary from child to child, even within the same family. One might be more willing to take risks, while another tends to be cautious and less adventurous. One may be moody, while the other is known for being consistently care free. How our kids interact socially, the amount of ambition and drive they have, the ways they learn, the degree to which they are dependent or independent, are but a few of the characteristic differences in our kids, and it is these distinctions that makes each one of them the unique individual they are.

How our kids respond to discipline can also be quite different from one to the other. What works with one to bring about a desired change in attitude or behaviors might not work as well with another. What may work for us in our family and with our kids, might not work as well when tried by another parent in another family. It is these response differences in our kids that makes knowing how to discipline successfully yet another challenging task we take on when we make the decision to become parents.

Our two daughters were quite different from each other in many ways. Ashley, our oldest, seemed to be born in neutral. She wasn't lazy, but she certainly was content much of the time simply being still and quiet. Allyson, on the other hand, was born not only in gear and ready to go, but turbo charged as well! They were both quite different from each other when it came to discipline, as well. What it would take from us, and how they would respond was quite different most of the time, and it was these differences which required that we respond in different ways much of the time.

We were never spankers as a general rule. Usually, we felt that there was a better way than having to take up the rod. When our kids were very young- two to three years old-we would occasionally resort to a light swat to the backside (it really did usually hurt us more than it did them) to let them know we meant business, and that we wanted some sort of behavior change. It was our way of giving a warning and getting their attention in order to avoid some further, more extreme measures.

I can count on one hand the number of times during her entire life that we had to warn Ashley in this manner. Most of the time, a certain "look" from one of us conveyed to her all the warning that was needed to get her attention. I can also count on one hand the number of times we had to warn Allyson in this physical manner-that is, on any given day! She was not particularly defiant or out of control. It was just that she needed to test more than Ashley in order to find out what was expected and where the guidelines were-the guidelines within which she could then freely and safely live her life.

So kids are different in many ways. And certainly, how they respond to our discipline will vary from one to another. It is for this reason that it is necessary for us to individually design, at least to some degree, how we discipline our kids.

And it is these unique differences that makes our task of disciplining them so difficult at times. It is for this reason, too, that we are not likely to find a book that gives us a recipe on how specifically to discipline, and what to do in each and every situation we will encounter. Unfortunately, the fine art of disciplining kids is not an exact science.

This section on discipline in, A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING GREAT KIDS, is no exception. You will not be given a list of specific responses and consequences to apply to specific behaviors and attitudes that need to be shaped and adjusted in your kids. And rather than reading about specific ways to discipline, what I am asking you to consider here are some significant differences that I believe exist between the attitudes and actions of DISCIPLINE, and on the other hand, those that are found in PUNISHMENT. We will also consider some of the subtle differences that are important to understand between, AUTHORITY and POWER if we want to raise truly great kids.

Before we go further, a bit of "definitional explanation" might be helpful.

Most often, in everyday conversation the terms "punishment" and "discipline" are used interchangeably and as if they were the same. I will be asking you to consider the possibility that there are some important distinctions that need to be made between the two. While the differences between discipline and punishment may be subtle, they are nonetheless significant and must be considered if we want to be the kind of parents our kids need us to be.

It is often true too, that there is a similar confusion between the notion of parental "power" and "authority". Usually the term,"authoritative parenting", carries with it a negative connotation and is equated with the concept of power. When we hear this term, we usually think of over powering control, dictatorial attitudes, and an overly strict attitude toward kids. My objection to the negative connotation that usually accompanies this concept of "authority", is that we parents are indeed an authority in the lives of our kids. We must be in order for them to develop into healthy adults. What we must not be is over powering.

So in an attempt to recapture the positive and necessary qualities of parental authority, I will be describing authority as a positive and much needed parental force, and distinguishing it from parental power, which I believe runs counter to our efforts to raise great kids. If you are skeptical of such distinctions, I invite and encourage you to read on before concluding that any differences are merely a matter of semantics.

I must confess to just a little "mischievous glee" that comes over me when, at the beginning of parenting workshops I teach, I declare that, "in American homes today, there is far too much punishment and parental power taking place". Most parents in attendance respond with a glare, a shake of their head, or a quiet whisper to the person next to them. Or, some will quickly raise their hand, eager to express their disagreement with my declaration. Seldom do I get a sign or indication from any of the workshop participants that they agree with my notion that too many parents overuse punishment and power with their kids these days.

What I most often hear back is a corporate disagreement that just the opposite is true; that what parents today must use is not less punishment and power, but rather more of both! Perhaps more punishment, so the reasoning goes, would finally bring about a change in the attitudes of irresponsibility and rebellion that is so common in kids today. And perhaps more power from parents would "design" kids who were more self-controlled and well behaved.

I am always quick to point out and explain (in order to avoid a mass exodus), that, while we parents must not rely on punishment and power to extract changes from our kids and their unacceptable attitudes and behaviors, we must instead be willing to learn the fine art and use of healthy and creative discipline and authority instead. While there may be too much punishment going on in today's family, there is certainly not enough discipline taking place. Likewise, while too often there is an over abundance of parental power, we need to learn how to be a healthy, well balanced authority in the lives of our kids instead.

In this section you will find some of the characteristic differences that exist between discipline-based parenting, and punishment-based parenting. You will also find descriptive differences that I believe sets authority-based parenting apart from power-based parenting. While many of the differences may seem minor, the impact on the lives of our kids when we use punishment rather than discipline, and power rather than authority, are more obvious, and can reek havoc in their lives and in our relationship with them.

Stated in general terms, when we use discipline-based parenting and authority-based parenting, we will be more likely to bring about the desired behavior changes in our kids that we parents expect. And at the same time, it will help in our task of raising great kids who like and value themselves. In short, the use of both discipline and authority will help us shape the will of our kids, while leaving their spirit to grow and prosper.

Punishment-based parenting and power-based parenting, on the other hand, may result in the immediate behavior changes that we parents expect, but both are also more likely to tear down their self-esteem and leave them feeling insecure, angry, and at best, only temporarily motivated to behave, and for the wrong reasons. Their immediate behaviors may improve, but their attitudes and long term behaviors more often will not. The use of both punishment and power in raising kids tends to tear down their spirit and create a rebellious will.

What often distinguishes discipline-based parenting from punishment-based parenting, and authority-based parenting from power-based parenting, is not our overt response and actions, but rather, the motivations and attitudes attached to our corrective responses. A spanking, for example cannot automatically be declared either discipline or punishment, authority or power. And being grounded may fall under the category of either as well, depending on what else we parents do and say along with the grounding. Being sent to their room for a period of time may also not be automatically described as one or the other.

If behavior and attitude changes in our kids were our only goal and concern, then making a distinction between discipline and punishment would not be needed. Likewise, considering the differences between authority and power would also be unnecessary. This is true since power and punishment can indeed work well in effecting immediate changes and compliance in our kids.

Since, initially, both the use of discipline or punishment, and authority or power are likely to get the changes we want in our kids, and since punishing and using power is usually easier and far less time consuming for us weary parents, then why argue the merits of discipline over punishment, and authority over power? Such a discussion and consideration of the differences is necessary because there is more to this parenting thing than just shaping our kids into a behaving person. Shaping their spirit is every bit as important as shaping their will.

It is likely that some might still believe there is little or no difference between our use of discipline and punishment, and between our exerting authority and power in our efforts to be successful parents. To those skeptics who are still reading in spite of their doubts, I ask that you withhold your conclusion until you have read further.